PERCEIVE ME NOT
The American Psychological Association dictionary has the most accurate and concise definition of asociality: declining to engage, or incapable of engaging, in social interaction ; lacking sensitivity or regard for social values or norms.
And if you know me right now, that pretty much explains how I feel.
In the past, I have masked and feigned sociality. I always tried to be kind, but we all make mistakes. I have at times felt I found kindred spirits with shared ideas and interests, but I think that was a sign of my naïvité. If you knew me when I was in college, I was networking, trying to absorb information, and grow into a well-rounded academic. I would even say I was an extrovert, motivated by a crowd of bosom buddies who let me be flawed from time to time. Often, I was a compulsive talker as a way to try to hide my extreme anxiety; I felt if I just talked I could control my surroundings. Instead, I just deeply pissed off a lot of people who found me to be annoying and/or socially inept (Correct ✔️). I had three jobs, sometimes working with multiple groups of people over the course of the week, whether some of them liked it or not. I enjoyed partying and even playing group sports for a little while, but ultimately stuck with biking and running because the roller derby team had so much drama (and such little endurance).
Being overly social and overly "fun" had its drawbacks. First, I had a target on my forehead for abusers and mean guys; second, being a liberated girl means people don't take you seriously because of how you dress or speak. I learned over time saying "stop", no matter what I am saying "stop" to, was something I had to yell at people and cry about for anyone to listen... allegorically and literally.
As a young person growing an identity, especially in my early twenties, I wanted to be recognized for my talents, and I wanted to share and to really live. In my early thirties, I was focused on community building to the point of burnout, and I started to feel like I've lived too much. In 2019 I realized I have traumatic stress, then in 2020 I blossomed as a person during quarantine, celebrating my 35th year on earth alone, loving to remove myself from any prospective gathering to come as often as feasible. After I broke my ankle in May of 2021, I almost altogether stopped socializing. I noticed I started to feel a lot better, as if a heaviness had been lifted. As I continued working as a teacher through 2021-2024, I felt this massive weight any time I had to be among groups of people or interact too regularly with others, both children and adults, and I felt burdened and empty coming home from work with no energy left for myself or my husband. Some might call this introversion, but it's much, much larger than that. I do believe I have things to learn from others, but for now, I feel most joyful learning things at a distance. I feel free from the bounds of society and beautiful in my independence.
I sometimes have trouble understanding people, but not reading their emotions. If anything, I have a knack for reading and clocking body language, micro-expressions, and micro-aggressions. I have trouble understanding other peoples' values. I can tell you're upset with me, I just don't think it's worth talking about because I probably find you irrational. That's the long and short of it.
I've never received a diagnosis of autism or ADHD, and I truly don't think those things apply to me. I'm definitely different, weird if you will. I'd even wager people who really know me would say I maintain an impressively high proficiency in a myriad of subjects. I chalk that up to spending a lot of time alone during which I can hone a bounty of skills through self-teaching or coursework.
Let's get this straight: I'm not arrogant about having intellectual giftedness. I'm also an idiot. As much as people can be intellectually gifted, there's no guarantee they'll be emotionally stable, comfortable, or thriving in a loving environment. Having "high potential" doesn't mean you make (or made) all the right decisions. If anything, being intellectually gifted is alienating, and occasionally makes you overly sensitive, and prone to criticism from less sensitive and observant people.
For me, the onerous task of parsing out other people and what little sense they make is indeed far too taxing. Now, I am more traumatized, less of a pushover, and extremely difficult to please. I have a massive amount of ethics and morals that function as a gilded fence around the parameter of my heart. Lazers like the eyes of the Sphinx shall shoot you down before you enter these gates. Canceling plans is my crack, and I don't view it as a problem.
I am now focusing on me, protecting me, conserving my energy, and fostering love for myself and animals through a small business wherein I truly feel grateful to have limited social interaction and the ability to control myself as a mature adult.
Both my therapist and psychiatrist said this is normal, and as long as I'm happy, that's fine.
I honestly think it's a talent to feel this happy alone. I consider it a gift. Don't worry, I'm not arrogant about it.
Notes: I have written and published about 20 versions of this so far on the blog, which I don't think anyone reads.
I just feel like admitting that I had to re-order everything until it finally made sense.