My Ugly Girl Era
Please understand that the title of this entry is intended to be tongue-in-cheek. To hell with everything. Let's get ugly. (18+ Language)
Everyone knows what beauty is;
That is because there is ugliness;
Everyone knows what goodness is;
That is because there is evil.
-Lao Tzu
I would be absolutely full of shit to suggest that I am in any way not able to fit into some of society's standards for beauty. I'm not ugly, and for that matter, no one's body alone is ugly unless their warped psyche has tortured it into a void of humanity. I'm willing to say, for example, JD Vance or Donald Trump are ugly people, but if I thought they were at all objectively good I might be inclined to argue for their appearance. Because I think people like Joe Rogan are emotionally repulsive, I will equally feel comfortable deconstructing how he resembles a steroid-induced, spiritually vapid pimple I'm aching to see someone pop and drain, drain, drain. I am happy to say he resembles a Fisher Price construction worker. Men who like him, may I ask, "Who hurt you"?
On the other hand, I don't fit into society's expectations of women. That's the rub, isn't it? If I don't check as many boxes as visibly possible, I'm somehow relegated into a lower catergory of female, not only by men, but women, and less likely by anything in between. The nonbinary folk know what I'm saying.
The petty part of my personality says I should wreak vengeance on the misogynists I've known by being better than their ideal, and that I could be peak, high femme, long, flowing curly hair, floating on a pink cloud in a silk negligee, high heels, lipstick, and seemingly straight.
NO, I WILL NOT BE PRETTY FOR YOU.
I have had to change the way I want to dress to the way I have to dress. Being cis "hot" is fun and all, but right now it's just not in the cards. I feel like a bad feminist because I do think we should be able to wear what we want, but at the same time question why I wore all the things I did before. I feel like I wasted a lot of time trying to be attractive to men in general.
I didn't mean to become a modest dresser. I don't have any religious ties and I don't think it's actually subversive to cover my body and wear baggy clothing. I just can't understand wearing anything that doesn't make me feel comfortable. I'm not really able to express myself through clothing like I used to because I'm constantly uncomfortable for random medical reasons. I have had issues in the last two years where things on my skin (tight clothes, makeup, jewelry) have been bothering me more and more, either due to it irritating my skin or not being warm or cool enough because of my body temperature regulation issues. I cut my hair short to demonstrate my lack of desire to waste money, resources, time, on something I don't really need. I don't wear makeup because it's genuinely not great for your skin, and yet another means to winnow away time and money.
Yet, I'm married to a cis man and honestly, I can't bat him away enough. The man absolutely adores me, can't stop complimenting me, can't keep his hands off me. Why? HE LOVES ME; maybe he's not that shallow, maybe he sees me in my underpants a lot. I don't really need other people to be aware of the fact that I'm hot to my husband, but what I wear outside the home as a marker for my attractiveness BLOWS MY MIND. Now, acting "sexy" is no longer important, because I love someone who, even when I am my ugliest, continues to love me. I don't have to step out of my comfort zone when it comes to my clothing because I don't feel pressure to be "attractive" for other people, or even him, because I realize that he also does not care. Do not misunderstand. I have excellent hygiene. I just want to wear big hoodies, sensible shoes, and loose, comfortable pants.
I don't think I should have to be pretty to strangers to gain respect, and yet, each time I leave the house with makeup and expensive clothes, I can see in their eyes they believe me deserving of greater kindness. I feel like I'm putting on a costume so that the general population will accept me as a woman, when I'm not the one who wants to be perceived that way.
To hell with the gender binary.
I DO NOT WANT CIS "MEN" TO THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE.
I DO NOT WHAT TO BE PERCEIVED.
From this point forward, I am choosing clothing and behaviors that deliberately repel cis het men.
I want people to see me as an artist, as deliberate, as creative and a designer, to know me as a human and to respect my soul despite the fact that I am absolutely done with people expecting me to be a woman. YOU, society, came up with that term for me- "WOMAN". I'm not changing pronouns, I'm comfortable with being a tomboy, a femme, a hard femme, and pansexual. I'm exhausted from trying to please you all. Let me be an ugly girl already.
I know that I'm not actually ugly, but I don't need to prove that. I will not be taking selfies so that the people from my past can declare that I have let myself go. I have let you go. I am just happy now.
Boy bye.
Dedicated to Max